DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE
by ulyferal
Summary: Short glimpses into the perils of dating and marriage.  Hopefully funny.
1. Chapter 1

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson One: Never Stand Up Your Date**

_Author's Note: A short, hopefully funny piece on the various pitfalls of dating and marriage._

"How could you have stood me up like that? I was soo embarrassed..." she seethed, hurling his report back at him.

It hit his chest and fell to the floor as he stared at her in shock. "Stood you up?" He asked bewildered.

Nearly screaming, she stormed up to him and stabbed her finger into his chest to emphasis just how pissed she was and hissed, "The Mayor's Banquet! The one that was on the calendar for three months!"

Paling, he swallowed in dismay. 'Oh crud! How did I forget that?' Raising his paws in a defensive gesture, he said shamefacedly, "I'm sorry, Callie. It completely slipped my mind due to the back to back problems at Pumadyne. I was swamped trying to solve it. First, ..."

"Save it!" She spit, tired of the same excuses. "You weren't swamped, your enforcers were. All you had to do was delegate but nooo that's too easy!"

"Oh, now you're not being fair. I am in charge and..."

"Which is why you delegate. Your next in command could have handled the matter but you never let him stand on his own two feet," she growled, furious.

His shoulders slumped. Obviously nothing he said was going to placate her. To give him time to think, he leaned down and picked up the report from the floor.

"And the worst of the whole affair was having to listen to that insufferable Loren Fastbind make snide comments on my choice of date," she ranted.

Sighing, he had to do something drastic to make things right with her or she would never see him again and he really didn't want that to happen. Straightening up, he reached past her rigid body to lay the report on the desk then deliberately invaded her personal space.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, he pulled her up his body and laid a toe curling, passionate kiss on her lips. At first, she still remained stiff but gradually, under his firm assault on her mouth, she relaxed and kissed him back.

When they broke to breathe, he murmured, "I truly did forget and I'm very sorry."

She sighed, "what am I going to do with you...you make me so furious then you turn around and make me feel on top of the world with just one kiss."

Giving her a lopsided, grin he asked, "Forgive me? I'll take you to that play you've been wanting to see?"

"I should have my head examined for putting up with you..." she muttered.

"Is that a yes?"

Shaking her head, she gave him a rueful smile then nodded.

'Yes! Dodged the bullet again!' He thought in relief as he hugged her tightly.


	2. Chapter 2

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson Two: Don't be Late for Your Own Wedding**

"Where is he?" She asked worriedly, pacing back and forth.

"Uh, maybe he's stuck in traffic?" One of her bridesmaids asked hesitantly.

"He's flying here by chopper," Callie said tartly, staring out the window for the tenth time.

"Oh."

The wedding was already twenty minutes overdue to start and the groom still hadn't appeared nor called. All the guests were sitting in the garden, talking and wondering what was going on.

Suddenly a loud roar filled the air and a sonic boom rattled the building. Callie blinked as she saw the Turbokat take a holding pattern above the wedding area then panel opened below its belly and a basket began to lower.

A dirty, wet and disheveled looking Feral clung grimly to the basket as it set down on the ground and he quickly scrambled out. The basket was hauled back upward then the jet moved off to a nearby field to land.

The groom ran across the lawn, ignoring the loud questions yelled at him. Shaken and worried, he hurriedly entered the room where he was supposed to change clothes.

"Damn, Ulysses. You'll be lucky if your bride will marry you now. You're twenty minutes late for your own wedding for crud sake! You better have a good reason!" Tyrone berated his brother as he helped him yank his stinky clothes off and pull on his dress uniform that, fortunately, had been waiting here for him.

"Oh I do, believe me, but she won't want to listen to it!" He grimaced. "Well, let's get out there and I'll know if she'll forgive me if she appears."

"And if she doesn't?" His brother asked.

Feral just gave him an unhappy look as he finished dressing and headed out to the lawn and all the guests.

He and his brother strode up the aisle and took their places. The minister eyed him a moment in annoyance but said nothing as he signaled the pianist to begin the music the two had picked for their ceremony.

Looking on from the sidelines were the SWAT Kats, standing at the rear of the seated crowd. They'd been invited by the bride but never expected to be bringing the groom when he'd hailed them before they could leave the scene of the messy fight with Viper and begged them for a ride.

"Think she'll show?" T-Bone muttered.

"If I were her...no...but...who can say," Razor grunted, shrugging his shoulders.

The music kept playing to its end but no bride showed. Feral squirmed nervously and pulled on his tie as he stared at the door Callie should be walking through.

The minister sighed and signaled the pianist to just start again. By the time the music was halfway through, Feral felt truly miserable and humiliated as a whisper of concern swept through the guests.

But suddenly, a vision in white strode through the door, head held high, her four bridesmaids behind her. In minutes, she glided up beside him. She turned to hand her bouquet to her maid of honor then turned to face her groom, giving her paw to him.

Her face was calm but her whispered words were flat and filled with anger, "now you know how I felt waiting for you. The explanation had better be good!"

He dropped his eyes and murmured, "I is and I do. I'm sorry, my love."

As the ceremony finally got under way, he thought, 'what a way to start a life together.'


	3. Chapter 3

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson Three: Never forget an Anniversary**

"You...good...for..nothing...tom!" She screamed.

He ducked as a glass trifle bowl, given to them for their wedding anniversary three years past, went flying to join the ugly vase someone else had gotten them, against the wall near his head.

"I tried to get home...really I did!" He yelled back, ducking yet again and covering his face just as a spray of fresh flowers slammed into him with its accompanying vase and water.

"Owww! Damn it, Callie that hurt!"

She screeched at him unintelligibly, reaching for something else to hurl. Knowing when he was losing, he hurriedly went back out the door he shouldn't have bothered entering. Slamming it shut behind him, he groaned and leaned against it, wincing when yet another piece of bric a brac hit the door behind him.

As he rubbed his sore head, an older neighbor poked his head out the door of his apartment to investigate the noise and stared at the miserable tom in concern.

"Well, hell! What the heck did you forget this time, young feller?"

The big tom gave him a disgruntled look while brushing the flowers off himself.

"I was unavoidably delayed in getting back for our anniversary," he said, glumly.

"Tsk...tsk...son, you are a glutton for punishment," the oldster said, shaking his head while trying to hide a smile. "You'll learn or have your head nearly busted open many more times. As it is, you'll have to come up with something spectacular to make up for this bonehead mistake. Good luck!" With that bit of advice, the old Kat pulled his head back into his apartment and shut the door.

"Thanks a lot," the big tom grumbled.

He stood up, stared at his own door for a long moment before sighing and heading for the elevator. It was obvious he wouldn't be welcome tonight. 'Geeze, I hate sleeping alone!'


	4. Chapter 4

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson 4: Interpreting Your Mate's Behavior**

"You look awfully tired, Uncle," Felina commented when she saw the Commander that morning.

He gave her a scowl and a grunt but otherwise didn't respond as he made himself a cup of coffee. Sgt Fallon was home sick so it wasn't waiting for him, making the start of this day that much worse. He couldn't wait to see what else it was going to throw at him.

Felina sighed and stared at him. "You made Callie pissed again, didn't you?" She said shrewdly.

The scowl was joined by fangs of displeasure as Feral turned away from the coffee area and headed for his desk.

Shaking her head, his niece followed him. "You know, I've never seen the Deputy Mayor lose her cool so often as she has lately. She always struck me as a very level headed and calm she-kat. You were tardy for several important occasions in the past, but she, though mad, did forgive you, so her current behavior couldn't be linked to that ...hmmm..." she observed more to herself than the disgruntled tom.

Seeing that Felina wasn't going to let go of the subject and not feeling like using rank to make her shut up, he admitted, bleakly, "you know those times were unavoidable and things have gone smoothly and peacefully since then but, lately, she seems to get upset more easily when I'm late than she used to. I thought perhaps it was because of that new, grand plan of the Mayor's that has her on edge and making her snap at me in frustration."

Felina frowned, that might be the case but she rather doubted it since Callie had a lot on her plate all the time and handled it just fine. A suspicion began to grow in her mind as she eyed her uncle thoughtfully a moment then asked, "Uncle? Has Callie been more moody lately and when was her last heat?"

"Huh?" Surprised by the odd question, he blinked at her owlishly in puzzlement. "I guess you could say she's a bit more prone to cry lately or scream at me." Grimacing, when he remembered last night. "As for her heat, uhm...that was about a couple of months ago...why?"

"Well, I know you two are careful because kittens aren't planned yet, but...well...I suspect you failed this time," she said.

Feral had been taking a sip of his coffee when she said that and ended up spewing the mouthful across his normally pristine desk. He quickly grabbed some tissue from his drawer to clean it up while gaping in dismay at his niece.

"Callie's pregnant?"

"It's certainly a possibility. Her behavior and when her last heat was suggests this might be her reason for being so prickly lately," Felina said easily, mildly amused at her uncle's reaction.

He buried his face in his paws and groaned. He was right...this day had gotten worse and he hadn't even left the office yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson 5: Kittens Don't Wait for Anyone**

"Feral!" The Commander barked into his radio, his eyes staring at the incredible mess Hard Drive had made of the downtown area

Crashed cars due to non-functioning traffic lights and destroyed property was everywhere. It would be hours before this mess could be cleared away enough for traffic to flow smoothly again.

The SWAT Kats had managed to nab the techno thief but not before he did the damage Feral was staring at now. Grumbling under his breath and about to roar orders, his radio had interrupted him.

A way too familiar voice yelled at him from his radio. He blinked in shock, realizing she had gotten his dispatcher to patch her through. Her first few words let him know how she managed to go around regulations to make the call.

"Ulysses! Get your tail over to the hospital now! I'm in labor and need you and I don't care what you're doing...you will not be late for this!" Callie shouted. "Owww...damn...that hurts!" She interrupted herself to cry out in obvious pain. "Get here now!"

Her voice vanished and the apologetic voice of his dispatch returned to say, "I'm sorry sir, but she insisted it was an emergency!"

"It is, send Steele out here to monitor this mess and a chopper to pick me up ASAP!" Feral barked.

"Yes sir!"

He roared orders to his enforcers then paced back and forth tensely while waiting for the chopper. It arrived some ten minutes later. As it landed, Feral was already ducking down to get on board when the door opened in his face.

Hissing in anger and rubbing his sore nose, he scowled at Steele who had used the chopper to get here faster.

"Uh, sorry sir, I..." Steele began to apologize.

"Shut up! Just get this mess cleared up!" Feral ordered, shoving Steele out of the way and climbing aboard the chopper.

"To Megakat General Hospital on the double!" He ordered the pilot.

With alacrity, the pilot sent the chopper skyward then racing at top speed toward the hospital.

Less than five minutes later, they were airborne and made it to the hospital in ten minutes. The pilot dropped him off then returned to headquarters as ordered.

Feral hurried through the ER entry point for Life Flight and got into an elevator, taking it down to the maternity floor. Upon his arrival, he headed at nearly a gallop, to the nurses station.

"I'm looking for my wife," he said, breathlessly.

"Oh yes, Commander...follow me..." a nurse said, coming from around the station to his side then leading him down a hallway at a quick pace. "It's okay, you still have plenty of time," she reassured him.

He nodded in relief. On the way to Callie's room, he heard many sounds of females in labor, some screaming and others moaning with male voices trying to soothe them in several of the rooms he passed. He paled a little at what he was going to face in moments himself.

The nurse stopped at a door. Opening it, she walked in with him on her heels. The room was filled with people doing things to someone laying in the bed in the center of the space.

Callie hollered and her face was red, sweat falling down her forehead as the medical personal did things around her. She was hooked up to a fetal monitor, her legs were up in stirrups and a doctor was at that end checking something. A nurse or doctor, he didn't know which, was taking Callie's vital signs.

In a corner was another group of doctors and nurses waiting with an isolette and warming table beside them.

"Here Commander, take that off and put this on," the nurse that had led him here said briskly as she helped him pull off his coat then pull on a medical gown. When he was suited up, she guided him to the head of the bed.

"Callie?" He called to his wife.

Her eyes opened, saw him, and reached a paw to him before gritting her teeth against another hard contraction.

He grimaced as well as her paw gripped his like a vice, cutting off circulation but he refused to make a sound as he did his best to offer what comfort he could.

It seemed a ridiculously long and painful process but less than an hour later their son made his appearance. He was weighed, cleaned up, and checked out before being handed over to the father to hold.

Feral nervously held his new son in his huge arms. Staring in awe at the tiny face, he felt giddy and overwhelmingly happy . Turning his face toward his exhausted wife, he grinned at her.

"He's beautiful, Callie...thank you!"

"You're welcome, love," Callie sighed, smiling wanly at him. In just a few hours, Ulysses wasn't going to be quite so happy as he was now but she didn't want to spoil this moment for him. Time enough for him to learn what taking care of a kitten was going to be like.


	6. Chapter 6

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson 6: Never Ignore Your Kitten**

Felina had to fight to keep from laughing but it was a losing battle. Her uncle's expression was priceless and she wished she'd had a camera right this minute.

Just minutes before, sitting in his chair at his desk, Feral had been playing with his four month kitten when the phone rang, placing his son on his left knee, he bounced the kitten gently while he spoke with his wife on the phone.

Halfway through the call, he gasped then stared down at his son in shocked dismay.

"What's wrong Ulysses?" Callie asked, concerned.

Ignoring his wife for the moment, he held the phone between his neck and shoulder as he raised his son to eye level.

"How dare you wet all over me?" He growled, glaring at the kitten.

Brendan merely gargled and gave his father a sweet smile. A laugh in his ear drew his attention back to his wife.

"What's so funny?"

"You! I take it you didn't remember to change him when I dropped him off...hmmm?" She said, totally amused.

His face blushed scarlet under his dark fur as he muttered, "ah, no, I didn't."

"Well, there you go. So now he needs to be completely changed and so do you," she couldn't help smirking. "Guess I better let you go and get that done before you get too stinky. I'm almost finished here and will pick him up in about thirty minutes. Later love," she said, still amused as hell as she hung up the phone before he could respond.

Scowling, he set Brendan back on his already wet knee and returned the phone to its cradle. He fumed only a little, as he lifted his son again and carried him off to his kitten carriage where he could change him, grimacing at the feel of his wet pants.

He tossed an annoyed look at his niece who was totally overwhelmed with laughter that she couldn't speak.

Felina moved closer to the carriage and looked down at her cousin. "Naughty Brendan...you're not supposed to pee on your daddy...hee hee hah hee..chortle..." she laughed uproariously.

The new father just sighed and went about changing Brendan's clothes and diaper. "You can watch him while I change my pants and clean up, Miss Giggles!" He snorted at her then stalked off to his private bathroom.

"Good thing you have a change of clothes here, Uncle. You really reek!" Felina called cheekily after him then looked down at the kitten, making cooing noises and funny faces at Brendan who giggled and waved his paws and feet at her in delight.

"Way to go guy! Nice impression you made on your daddy," she said, smirking at the adorable kitten.


	7. Chapter 7

**DUCKING THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LOVE**

**Lesson 7: Never take you eyes off your Kitten**

Don't you growl at me mister!" Callie snapped at the big tom then quickly gave her son a warm hug and kiss. "Now you be good for daddy," she said, setting him on the floor again then turning to glare a warning at her husband, "I told you last month, I had a meeting of the council and the doctor's office had changed Brendan's appointment. You have to take him so stop complaining. I will see you later." With that, she picked up her briefcase and went out the door.

Feral stood staring at the door a moment before turning his gaze downward to his son...who was no longer there. He blinked and quickly looked around.

"No..." he bellowed as he just managed to catch their one year old from pulling a lamp to the floor. He swoop his son up into his arms and admonished him with a "...no touch..." with which his son blithely ignored him, giving his father a broad grin instead.

Feral sighed. Brendan was a curious kitten...always needing to touch and investigate anything and everything he saw. It was exhausting keeping him out of trouble. Since he was, fortunately, ready for work, he carried his son to the door, gathered his kitten bag then left for work.

At the office, he was a bit hamstrung trying to kittensit until Brendan's appointment in an hour and a half and getting some work done. He'd long ago made sure he had a playpen on paw and stored nearby for this occasion. With Sgt Fallon's assistance, Brendan was situated near his father's desk with toys and bade to play and stay quiet for a bit...Feral had no real hope his son would obey since he was far to rambunctious but it seemed this morning the kitten was willing to play for a bit.

Hoping it would last, Feral quickly dug into the reports on his desk that required his immediate attention. It stayed quiet for quite a while, so Feral didn't look up from his work...a cardinal sin for a parent as he was to learn some minutes later.

Sgt Fallon came striding in with more reports in his paw when he noticed something amiss. He looked to the side of the Commander's pedestal to the playpen then quickly looked up at his superior. His mouth dropped open when he noted Feral was still working diligently...kitten free...jerking his attention back to the playpen to see if his eyes had deceived him...nope...there still was no kitten there.

"Sir! Where's your son?" He blurted urgently already beginning to search the area around the desk.

"What?" Feral asked, looking up and frowning then turning his attention to the playpen himself. Gasping in shocked dismay, he blurted, "Kat's Alive! How the hell did he get out of there?" Leaping from his seat, he joined the sergeant in searching his office.

The office had very little in it and was large but no where did they see the kitten. Feral didn't recall the door being open or had it been?

"The door...was it cracked open when you came in?" He asked Fallon, anxiously.

His assistant frowned in thought then shrugged helplessly. "Honestly sir, I'm not sure if it was or not. You think he went out?"

Feral didn't answer at first as he made another hurried pass through his office...looking behind the sofa, the office plants, under his desk, then in the bathroom...no kitten.

"That's the only place he could have gone," Feral finally said, racing for the door and stepping out into his reception area.

His secretary looked up in surprised concern at the Commander's urgent and frantic expression. "Sir, what's wrong?"

"My son has escaped his playpen and is no longer in my office," he said grimly as he and Sgt Fallon quickly made a search of the area.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed in dismay, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see him, sir," she said, pushing back from her seat and looking beneath her desk then her computer area behind her...no kitten was there. She joined them in searching the whole floor.

In minutes, the entire floor was searching for the kitten. Sgt Fallon stopped by a phone and alerted the entire building to join in on the search in case Brendan had managed to get on an elevator to other floors.

If anyone had stepped into Enforcer Headquarters right that moment, they would have been curious and confused to witness officers and admin rushing about searching near the floors for something.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

At about the same time, Jake and Chance had arrived at the Enforcer Building to lodge a complaint with Feral, in person. He'd made some rule changes for the salvage yard that made it tougher for the guys to run their garage and fulfill their obligations to the enforcers.

After reading the missive they'd received yesterday evening, an incensed Chance had insisted they go see Feral the next morning to make him see reason and to get him to rescind the order.

They'd entered at street level and walked through the lobby, frowning a bit in confusion at the strange search going on before grabbing an elevator to the top floor. When the doors opened, they were greeted more of the same searching though quieter here. Many were calling out a name and searching close to the floor and in small hiding places.

"Hey, isn't that the name of Feral's kitten?" Chance asked his friend.

"I think so and by the looks of things, the little guy has managed to elude his father's not so watchful eye," Jake observed.

The pair stayed close to the wall to avoid the hurrying people. As they moved toward the Commander's office, Jake caught sight of something small disappearing through a distant doorway further down the hall.

"Hey, buddy, I think I saw the runaway, follow me," Jake muttered as he hurried down the hall, Chance on his heels.

The room turned out to be the copy machine area. Stacks of boxes were against the wall on the right, a long sorting table was in front of them, then there were the copy machines themselves on the left. A couple of tall trash cans stood not far from the door.

The pair split up by mutual consent and searched the room. Chance looked behind the trash cans and boxes while Jake went over to the machines. There were four of them...two in front...a walk space and two in the rear. One of the machines in the rear nearer to the back wall had a repair kit sitting on top of it. He went around the first ones and moved closer to that one. It's front doors were closed.

Jake had a suspicion, though, so he went to the machine and opened the doors, there curled up inside and looking around was a small dark brown kitten wearing a blue jumper with little bears on it and tiny tennis shoes.

The kitten grinned up at him, his tiny paws covered with printing ink and nose with a dot of ink dust on it.

"Ah...so there you are, you little rascal. Come on, let's get you out of there and back to your papa, hmm..." Jake coaxed while reaching in to gently lift the messy kitten out of his hiding place.

"You found him. How the heck did he get in there," Chance wondered, grabbing a rag and beginning to wipe the kitten off.

Jake nodded at the tool kit. "I'm guessing the door was left open for repair and he found it, climbed in, closing the door behind him. Pretty adventurous for a kitten this age."

"He sure is. Don't envy Feral around this little guy," Chance chuckled, giving the kitten a scratch behind its ear making him laugh and hum with pleasure.

They walked out of the room with the kitten in their arms.

"Hey, Commander Feral! Yoo hoo! We've found what you're looking for!" Chance shouted loudly, causing everyone within earshot to halt in their tracks or look out doors at them to stare at them.

Feral practically exploded out a far door, hurrying up to them, a mixed look of relief and disbelief at who had found the kitten on his face.

Jake smiled as he handed over the kitten to its anxious father. Feral searched Brendon quickly for any injuries then hugging him close before staring at the pair.

"Thank God! I was going nuts trying to find him. He shouldn't have been able to climb out of his playpen..." Feral babbled, still upset at losing his son and very relieved at having him safe again.

"Looks like you have a very gifted kitten there, Commander. A greater watch is going to be needed to keep this little guy safe from himself," Chance snorted, amusement glinting from his eyes. His ire with Feral softened by how freaked out the father had been. Feral had obviously been terrified and he felt sorry for him. A missing kitten was a parent's worst nightmare.

"Thank you. But where did you find him and why are you two here?" Feral asked as he turned to return to his office, the pair following him.

"We needed to talk to you about something and I spotted this little guy going into the copy room. He hid in one of the machines and got rather dirty," Jake answered easily.

"He isn't normally here but he has a doctor's appointment in half an hour so I've got to get him cleaned up. Talk to me while I get this done," Feral said as he walked into his office and made for the playpen.

Beneath the pen was a portable changing tray that sat across the top of the pen when needed. Feral set his son in the pen then pulled out the tray and snagged the diaper bag. Lifting his son again, he set the kitten on the tray and began changing him.

Jake explained about the order they'd received, told him how much trouble it would cause them with the garage and asked for it to be rescinded.

Feral was finishing his task by the time Jake had his say. He frowned as he picked Brendan up and turned to the pair.

"I never made such an order. I suspect it was Steele and one of his efficiency stunts. Did you bring the order with you?" He asked.

"Sure," Chance said, pulling it from a pocket of his jeans and handing it over.

Feral looked it over though Brendan made it difficult as his tiny paws tried to grab it. "No, I didn't do this. Consider it rescinded."

"Not to be a bother and knowing you're a bit distracted right now...," Jake said cautiously, "...but could you just annotate that so we have proof in case your second tries to cause us trouble again."

Feral rolled his eyes but knew this could happen, so he went to his desk, wrote a quick note and signed it then handed it back. "Have my secretary make a copy of that for me before you go and thank you again for finding my son."

"Hey, you're welcome, glad we were on hand to help," Jake said, smiling at the kitten before the two left.

"You have been a really big problem today," Feral chided his son but Brendan just looked sleepy eyed at his father. "Let's just keep this between you and me, heh? I don't want your mother to be upset," he murmured, gently swaying his son to sleep before laying him in the pen until it was time to leave.

He stared down at his son and murmured to himself, "Furlong was right, you are a pawful but I love you to death anyway."


End file.
